In an episode of The Simpsons entitled “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?” (Season 2, Episode 15), at the request of his newly-discovered half-brother Herb, Homer designs a new car: “The Homer.” It’s the car of Homer’s dreams, a car for the “average” American, a car so ridiculous and expensive that it completely ruins Powell Motors his half-brother’s business.
That hilarious episode first aired back in 1991. Now, more than twenty years later, engineers at Porcubimmer Motors have created The Homer for real, complete with a bubble dome, a horn that plays “La Cucaracha,” and, we’re guessing, an engine that sounds like “the world’s coming to an end.”
I need feminism because I was told that it was “unfair” for the boys I wrestled, because beating me was a “hollow victory”, and that being beaten by a girl was “embarrassing”, because my coach had to argue with my mother for hours for her to allow me to wrestle, because 5 years after graduating, I’m still the only one (the most important reason).
Lower Cape May Regional High School, 2005-2006 Wrestling, 1st Female Varsity Wrestler in LCMR History
In addition, I was told I should do “girl sports”, and it took years to earn the respect of only some of my teammates.
There was a girl at my high school on the wrestling team who got so much shit from everyone. She had to be a lesbian, right? Boys are stronger than girls, so why are you even trying? Ugh, so gross.
I remember when she was going to try out for the football team. It was a HUGE deal. A: This was in Texas. B: That school was #1 in the state for years. C: It was the 90s. She was a blonde white girl with arms the size of an 18-wheeler and should have had every opportunity to try out. The school forbid her to TRY OUT. She couldn’t even try out!! Apparently, enough parents called in having heard the rumor that she wanted to be on the team and complained! “We’re not having a girl on our team! We need to get to state!” Are you serious. ARE YOU— I thought she was so fucking awesome, man. She didn’t take shit from anyone, and she earned some mad respect from the wrestling team and her coach. Too bad she didn’t get the same treatment from the other sport. It’s a fucking sport. A sport!
You know what else is a sport? Hot dog eating contests.
Just overheard a snippet of my mail lady’s phone conversation. “…it’s different when people have mind control over you, but like…” OMG WHAT?! WHAT!! I NEED TO KNOW. What did she say before that? What did she say after? Does she know the X-Men? IS SHE AN X-MAN
Travis Fimmel as Ragnar Lothbrok in Vikings
Look. I’m not saying that Vikings is the best show or anything. Just…
I AM NOT SAYING THAT. But…
Okay, there was a time I was into runes and Norse Mythology (D&D, okay?) and I’m not proud of it and that’s not why I watched a few episodes of this show and it’s not even like I had to keep watching, because I didn’t, because I forgot what channel it was on and it made me sad that when I figured it out I’d already missed a lot of stuff with this guy so I’m really behind and I don’t want to tell my husband, “Hey, we should watch Vikings! It’s great!” Because he’ll see right through me.
But holy fucking shit, you guys. Travis God Damn Fimmel. HAIR ON THE CHEST AND PRETTY EYES AND DIRTY MANLINESS AND BE ON ME, PLEASE.
I mean, this show is terrible, honey. I hate it. But there is a lot of blood and fighting! You like that, right? Who doesn’t want to see a good rape? (I can only assume there is, because… It’s about Vikings. Didn’t pay attention to the plot as I zoned out when he came on screen.)
One day, Vikings, I’m coming for you, and I’m watching more than one episode by myself, in a robe, with a mud mask on, a bowl sufficiently loaded and tissue for anything leaking out of my mouth. Don’t you dare let me down.
FAVORITE companion. Donna proved you can have a man and a woman together on a TV show without any sexual shit and it still rules and you still love them and you still pine for more, solely because of looks like this that show he’s proud of her strength, not turned on. Damn right, number 10. You know what’s up.—
We stay real.
Said Justin Timberlake, a man who will never, ever be in a position where he has to buy a woman’s time. That’s like if Hugh Grant said… ohhhh shit. My bad. Carry on, JT. I’ll cry my own rivers.